09:53 pm:
*Disclaimer: This note is not meant to offend anyone. It's actually not written for anyone except for me. I've had a shit ton of stuff on my mind lately and I don't think I can do anything productive with my life until I get it all out. And Sarah encouraged me...
This week(end) I discovered that I really have some problems with self esteem and confidence. Not that I didn't already know that but it just really came to a head recently. I'm not entirely sure what the problem is or even why it's a problem. I don't think that I'm an incredibly fugly girl by any means. I'm not fat. I don't smell. I'm not dumb. I'm healthy. I'm clean. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm independent. I have goals. I am more than willing to give people their space because I love my own space. So what's the problem? It's not necessarily all about my lack of male attention (though that plays a pretty big role) but it's also about just my general lack of attention. I am painfully shy and I'm not sure where it comes from but it's very hard to get over. There are times when despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary that I honestly believe I am not worth anyone's time. I am not worthy of their friendships or affections or attention. Why do I feel this way? I've listed my positive traits and I do believe them yet somehow things just don't fall into place. My Made coach (haha) says that if I don't believe I'm hot then no one else will either. She says that confidence is key. Well where the hell does it come from??? It's a vicious cycle. I can't feel confident if I don't get any positive feedback regarding what I'm confident about. For example, if I think I look really hot one day and get no attention for it from others then I decide I'm being cocky and retreat. But could the problem be that I'm just not noticing attention? Either way, if I feel confident and no one responds then I no longer feel confident. But people won't respond if I don't feel confident. Qu'est-ce que c'est? I hate to play the race card but sometimes I feel like I have to. I feel like a lot of my problems stem from not having an identity. I don't really know how to relate to my surroundings. I've grown up around white people the majority of my life and because of it I get a lot of shit from some members of the black community who tell me I'm too white. I am very attracted to black guys but I really can't compete with some of the absolutely gorgeous black women that half of them want, or the tiny and completely adorable white women the other half want. (I'm over generalizing here, I know there are exceptions and lots of other factors but for now, just let it go. kthanks.) I'm not ugly but I'm also not blind and I'm fully aware of the fact that I can't compete with the beautiful, accessorized and put together black women that I see all over Louisville. I also know that to compare me to a gorgeous white woman is no contest either. So where do the regular girls fit? The ones that aren't extraordinary but aren't bad at all either? I hear guys complain about clingers but they still end up dating them. I'm not a clinger. I hear guys complain about girls always wanting to talk about feelings and stuff like that. I hate talking about feelings. The longer I'm writing the closer I'm getting to diagnosing the problem. Could it be that I just care too much? It seems completely logical but to be completely honest, it wasn't until this past week that I really started thinking about it. Before last week I couldn't have given 2 shits about getting with a guy. So why all of a sudden? Well that's another story in itself. And for those of you who know it, you know who you are but just keep quiet. ;)
I just need to revamp myself and my life. I've had so much change in the past year but it's just not all fitting like it should. I feel like a great offense that just can't score in the redzone. I feel like I can do 1st and 2nd downs but I can never convert on a 3rd. I feel like I can hit a base hit sometimes but never an RBI. Sometimes the harder things even seem easier than the easy things and I don't know what to do about that. I can hit a 3 but not a lay up. I need to revamp my team. We need to get on the same page. I don't need to win the championship but I wanna go for the division title. I'm sorry for all the sports analogies but seriously, what did you expect? There's so much more I could say right now but I have to go to pilates and step aerobics. I am a workout junkie and I love it.
Part dos:
This weekend was a little rough on my ego and self worth. Aside from ALL of my teams losing (though the yanks did redeem themselves) it was just kind of a kick in the ass (which is now very sore from an hour and 15 minutes of intense glut exercises). I also got into a bit of a tiff with one of my oldest and best friends which is really upsetting me right now. I honestly don't believe that I was in the wrong but I still feel very guilty. What I learned though is that I really can't do everything for everyone. I'm always doing favors for my friends. I want to be the best friend, the close friend, the loyal friend. The reliable one. And a lot of times that comes at expense to myself and my own life. I have messed up relationships with other friends, boyfriends and even my family on account of my friends and those relationships are important to me. Luckily I was able to make things right again with most of them but there are some that will never be the same. And I can't help but think that it's my fault things aren't the same. But I also want to think about myself for once. College is the most selfish time of your life. It really is all about me. I'm living (somewhat) on my own, making my schedule, doing my work, picking my major, deciding on my career and essentially writing blueprints for my life. I don't have time to do everything for everyone anymore. I still want my friends. I will still be there for them whenever I can. But I can't always be there anymore. Rennay has her own life now. So if my buddy ends up reading this (which he won't) I just want to say that I'm not sorry that I didn't do the favor but I am sorry that I couldn't do it.
10:24 am: It's the hardest thing...
Why is the right thing always the hardest thing? And if it is so hard is it really right? The only reason I'm doing this is because what I've been doing just isn't working. It doesn't work for me at least. It makes me sick to think about it and obsess about it and talk to every girl I know about it. But how can I avoid it forever? It's easy when I'm at school. Miles away. But what happens when summer comes and it's all just thrown back in with me? I'm so excited about summer. But petrified. How can I avoid it and still have fun? I'll go back to being jealous and bitter, sad and hopeless. I hope that someone will try to help me with it. Help me stay away and help me be happy without it. Help me do what I want to do without being afraid of coming across it. It's been going on FOREVER so why haven't I gotten over it yet? Why do I let it play with my head?
Let it go Rennay. It's over. But you have to make it over. And keep it over.
11:25 am: If you're ever looking for something to do...
So You Think You Know Me... (2 Points) My first name: (4 Points) My last name: (4 Points) Who am I in love with: (1 Points) Where did we meet: (6 Points) Take a stab at my middle name: (1 Points) Where do I work: (3 Points) What am I afraid of: (2 Points) Do I smoke: (3 Points) Do I drink: (3 points) Do you think I'm a virgin: (1 Point) Do I have any siblings: (2 Points) How many? (2 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do: (1 Points) How many piercings do I have: (4 Points) How many tattoos do I have: (3 Points) What's my favorite type of music: (4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing: (3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: (25 Points) What's my favorite color: (3 Points) Name something I hate: (4 Points) Name a talent I have: (4 Points) What's my phone number: (4 Points) What kind of sneakers do I wear: (4 Points) Do I have any pets: (2 Points) Who am I dating/liking right now: (5 Points) How long have I been dating/liking them: (5 points) How tall am I? (5 Points) What is my worst habit: (3 Points) What is my insecurity?: (5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:
I'LL SEND YOU YOUR SCORE WHEN I GRADE IT 85-above; Best Friend 80-85 Points; Great Friend 70-79 Points; Good Friend 40-69 Points; Friend 20-39 Points; You should hang out with me more! Ask me when 00-19 Points; Either you're a crappy friend or you're a new friend
I just spent the past hour or so reading about the great Martin Luther King Jr. and watching not only his "I Have a Dream" speech but also a few other civil rights videos. I just spent the past 30-45 minutes crying. I don't know what happened but seeing Dr. King speak and various other videos of the times hit me at such a deep level that all I could do was cry. In his speech he says that 100 years after President Lincoln "freed" the slaves, Blacks still found themselves in a terrible position. Now, 40+ years later we've made progress but our country is still not united. As a whole it's easy to say that America is desegregated and in terms of the law, it most certainly is. Not to discredit the progress that has been made but there is SO MUCH MORE that needs to be done. Racism and segregation still occurs on a daily basis in every state of this country. Here in Kentucky there are obvious acts of racism. Here in Louisville and even here at Bellarmine. I wish that I knew what I could do to fix these issues. I feel guilty for not having addressed these things earlier and not bothering to recognize or acknowlege my true feeling about my race where I am now. I have always been the person who never mentioned race because not only would it make the person I was talking to uncomfortable, but it made me feel the same way. But why should it? It is preached to us that everyone should be treated equally but it seems that minorities (or maybe just me) have to trade in equality for identity. In order to "fit in" and be like everyone else when I moved to Florence, KY, I acted like the people I was surrounded by. When I got to high school I was shunned by most of the Blacks at my school who were from the city (not the suburbs like me) because I "acted White". I was torn and I remain torn to this day. I don't know how to "act Black" because I AM BLACK. There's no need to act. But why should being Black involve me speaking in slang or like I'm uneducated and only listening to rap and hip hop? Am I allowed to be Rennay or do I have to be a "Black girl"?
This isn't just a struggle that's going on within myself or in my social group but it's a problem that I see on campus everyday. I've been racking my brain to figure out why I don't like being at Bellarmine and why I feel so out of place. A big part of it is that I really don't fit in. There are times when I'm with my White friends and I mention being Black and they immediately change the subject or ignore it. I discuss being attracted to Black men and I'm immediately cut from the conversation about guys. Or the conversation changes completely. For once in my life I would like for my White friends to acknowlege that I'm Black and for my Black friends not to judge me. I get so self conscious on campus when I see a group of minorites together because I want so badly to say something to them or to eat lunch with them but I fear that it will be just like high school and I won't be "Black enough" for them. I distinctly remember sitting with a Black friend in the couch area here and getting looks from the small groups of Whites around us. They weren't rude looks or anything for me to get angry over, but they were looks. That same day we were sitting together and a girl was playing music from her laptop. I don't know what she was listening to but I remember a song starting with "Well I'll find me a nigger". She quickly muted the sound before peeking over her shoulder at me and my friend. Neither of us said anything but I do remember the group snickering as we walked away. I don't want to be paranoid and say they were snickering at us but nonetheless, I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking about the situation and furthermore if they even remember it now.
The point is not that I'm Black and I want every White person to tell me that I am. The point is not that I want every Black person to tell me that I am. The point is that the Civil Rights movement happened for a reason but that it should still be moving. We have yet to make it Dr. King's Promised Land. This isn't an issue that only happens in Alabama and Mississippi. This isn't just a problem that occurs at Auburn University or Georgia State. These problems occur right here at home. Right in Louisville and right at Bellarmine. So please, celebrate Martin Luther King Day. I know most people used it as an extra day to get drunk and sleep in or do homework but just try to stop and think about what the day is. I'm not asking everyone to watch videos and cry like I did but for a second just imagine what things would have been like if you'd never met anyone of another race or if Dr. King had never existed. Maybe even go to my posted items and check out a video or two that I've put up. It's one thing to be ignorant but it's another thing to be ok with that. Please just take a minute or two to educate yourself. In fact, if you have a question about the Black culture or anything to say that you've maybe been afraid to say, message me, call me, come talk to me. I want to teach people what I can and I want people to learn as much as they can from me. So please, between going out to lunch or grocery shopping, just take a look around and thank Dr. King for everything he did.
As today winds down I've really gotten to sit down and consider the impending spring semester. There are a lot of changes that need to be made and all of them will be. The biggest change of all is obviously the change in schedule. Brand new classes are exciting and different and will hopefully give me an opportunity to meet some new people and maybe make a few friends. I'm also living in a new room on a new floor in a new building which will be very different. Even with the hope that I still have the new beginnings will bring better things, I can't help but let that little bit of doubt seep in and make me feel really anxious and even a little depressed. Just the thought of failing again at school in terms of making friends and having fun and enjoying college makes me want to give up and crawl in a hole. But then I say it's not so bad because I can just transfer but what happens when I suck at the new school too? So many questions and worries and doubts are in my head so all I can do is turn to the hope and let it carry me through. But as the wonderful high school band director used to say, Hope is not a plan. So we'll plan on staying hopeful and positive. haha. So here's to a new year, a new semester, a new perspective and a new outlook. Here's to a (somewhat) new me. Bonne chance!
Save tonight And fight the break of dawn Come tomorrow Tomorrow I'll be gone...
Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2006 (not including memes, of course). Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review".
JANUARY 36 minutes into 2006. I'm not crying yet so it can't be too bad. Haha. But I need this year to be good. I need it more than anything. I need happiness. And to do this I must find the perfect mix of 2006. (How clever am I?) So for the next YEAR I'll be trying to figure that out.
Any suggestions for ingredients?
FEBRUARY Friday was good. Shaun Alexander day which meant a whole lotta nothing. Left second block, skipped the beginning of third and skipped 4th completely. I really need to get out of this habit. GOT A NEW CELL PHONE!!!! Went to the HC game. Fell in love. Went to Steak and Shake. Felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable and out of place. Went out with Jerry and had a tremendous time. Went home and to bed. Now today. Shower, Gym, Library, Concert and I am spent.
Wasn't that the best quickie of your life? MARCH Didn't post AT ALL in March
APRIL Spring Break was great. It was seriously the happiest I've been in a really long time. Even though I did feel left out a lot of the time it was nothing compared to the crappy mood I'm usually in here. I feel kind of guilty but it was really great to get away from everyone. And I mean everyone. It's one thing to feel left out by friends you don't see that often but it's even worse to me to feel left out by people you see all the time. So I'm really glad I got away from most people. It just makes me really sad that I'm back home and that I have to go to school tomorrow and deal with the same old shit as always. I'm even more excited about college now and going away has re-lit my desire (haha) to go to Columbia in New York for Grad school. So I think that if I work really hard and get through everything I should be able to go there and hopefully stay there. I miss cities and the coasts so much and I really think that I could be happier in that kind of atmosphere. Spring break seriously effing rocked and it didn't hurt that I stayed on a military base with hundreds of recruits, dozens of officers and one particular Lance Corporal. Fuckin a.
MAY Hooray for graduation day. Congratulations to me!
JUNE I finally quit my shitty job! Well I didn't quit and walk out like Zack and I dreamed of doing but I did put in my two weeks. By June 22nd (my last day) I will be a much MUCH happier person. That is all.
JULY Last night me and my sister were talking about how when you're tired and/or drunk you tend to say things as if they're all very profound. I responded with, yeah, I think I'm freaking Ghandi or something.
Yesterday was not really a good day. It wasn't really a bad day. I got to eat lunch with Lynette which was cool but then I just went to work and afterwards sat on my couch watching sex and the city. It was boring. I'm hoping my summer gets better so that I'll actually be sad to leave. I got my housing assingment emailed to me today and I was SO EXCITED! But it's so strange because if I have a room and a roommate then I'm REALLY going to college. It's not just something I talk about anymore. It also means that it will take me the rest of my summer to pack. It's just one of the weirdest feelings I've ever had because I've never moved without my family and I've never packed by myself before. I'm also going to a place where I don't know ANYONE. I mean, I've made friends from Bellarmine on facebook and stuff but I still don't know them. I'm hoping there are some people who want to make friends as much as I do and they'll be nice to me. I miss my old friends. I don't feel like I ever see anyone anymore and I don't feel like that bothers them at all. It only bothers me late at night because that's when I'm not working anymore but it still gets to me sometimes when I know a group of my friends are together. Oh well. Things are going to work themselves out. I'm ready to start the rest of my life and I'm hoping I'll see a few of you along the way. Enjoy the rest of your summer everyone!
AUGUST I have four stitches in my foot and will either need surgery or a cast/splint for 1-2 months to repair an injured tendon. I hop on one foot a lot, can't move my big toe and long to scratch my itchy stitches. Needless to say, I watch a lot of tv.
Thanks Cutco.
SEPTEMBER Imagine there is a bank that creits your account with $86,400 every day. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
OCTOBER So I felt it was about time for an update. Not that I have a whole lot to say. College life is getting better. I pretty much sucked at life for the first month or so that I was here but it's definitely getting a lot better now. I still have bad days every now and then though. I'm hoping that it'll just be something I can get through and get over. It's really more of an issue of my self esteem than a problem of academics. But isn't it always? Boo. I suck a lot sometimes. But I'm learning that I'm pretty pimpin too. Which is sweeter than sweet. I'm not so into talking about my feelings through the internet anymore so I'm guessing this is it. Hope everyone's doing great and all's well!
NOVEMBER Didn't post AT ALL
DECEMBER So, around 9:45 tonight I decided it would be a good idea to eat pizza, watch movies and drink a pepsi. That's right, caffeine ridden pepsi. I drank half a red solo cup of it and I'm pretty sure I may be up for the rest of my life. Due to my extremely poor judgement concerning beverage consumption I will now (2:14 a.m.) type a wonderful stream of consciousness to be enjoyed by all. Or as my first college English teacher calls it a freewrite (and sometimes even a "Friday Funday Freewrite")
blah blah blah...
I apologize for the entry that probably takes up half of your friends page. Just thought I'd give a little update. The Bengals beat the Ravens last night in case you missed it. And I WILL be attending the Bengals/Raiders game on the 10th. Just throwing it out there. You can pick it up if you want to. Well since it's now nearly 3 a.m. I'm going to try to get some sleep since I will inevitably be up by 9 tomorrow morning to actually have something to show for the day. Comments would be fantastic. None wouldn't be tragic. So no obligations here. Night night and I hope everyone has a better tomorrow!
Hope everyone's having a good week so far...even though it's Monday. My roommate wrote online that I'm childish for writing my feelings about her online. But since I'm comfortable with regressing I'll continue to write how I feel online because that's what blogs are for. Everything's pretty much same ol same ol here. Still don't like it. Roommate still hates me. Everyone on my floor still hates me. No big surprises. She's angry because apparently I said we were cool and then wrote about how much I didn't like her. But I don't really remember saying we were cool. She's angry because I wrote online how I'm feeling instead of coming to her and saying it to her face. I guess she has a point since she always comes and tells me when I make her mad instead of writing it online. Wait...no she writes it online. My RA's pissed because she says she's tired of our bitterness. I just thought we didn't get along because we're total opposites when it comes to living. You know, she's sometimes messier than me (even though I'm really messy too...) and she's clearly not a morning person and I definitely am. But from what I've heard (not from her unless of course you count her facebook note) she pretty much hates everything about me. So I've pretty much done my share of crying. I'm sorry that I'm such a terrible roommate and I acknowledge that I should have said what bothered me about her but on the same token she never really told me what bothered her. I can't be expected to change if I don't know what I'm doing wrong and neither can she. But since it's all my fault anyhow I guess I should've done something to fix everything I didn't know I was doing wrong. I'm tired of writing now. Since I'm so childish I guess my attention span isn't sticking long enough for me to finish this. I think I'm gonna go play now. : )
07:52 am:
So, around 9:45 tonight I decided it would be a good idea to eat pizza, watch movies and drink a pepsi. That's right, caffeine ridden pepsi. I drank half a red solo cup of it and I'm pretty sure I may be up for the rest of my life. Due to my extremely poor judgement concerning beverage consumption I will now (2:14 a.m.) type a wonderful stream of consciousness to be enjoyed by all. Or as my first college English teacher calls it a freewrite (and sometimes even a "Friday Funday Freewrite")
I'm very disappointed in myself as of late. I am disappointed again in my decision making and judgement which lead me into choosing to attend Bellarmine University. I absolutely hate it here. I hate the school, the food, the dorms, and most of all the people. I have learned through experiences here that I have a lot more morals than I ever realized. I have never been against drinking and I knew that it was what people did in college. But when there are EMT's sitting in your lobby every Friday and Saturday night because they've already been called 3 times and are waiting for another, there's a problem. The problem is not with alcohol or partying. The problem is with responsibility. I hate to be a preacher but what else can I do? The only thing there is to do around here is drink. Everyone is either a total drunk (with the occasional stoners) or total nerds who discuss homosapiens and mode opposition or some shit on their Friday nights. I cannot associate with either one of these groups. I do drink and I have been drunk before and I most likely will drink and be drunk again. But for the life of me I can't understand why every single weekend it is necessary to drink until you throw up and/or pass out. How is that fun? Drinking to drown your sorrows or relieve pain or whatever are the first signs to alcoholism. But if you're not concerned with it then why should I be? The best friend I have here (who isn't even that great of a friend) got so drunk a few weeks ago that she pissed her pants, threw up for nearly an hour and was taken to the hospital. That kind of irresponsibility is not anything that I'm going to tolerate or get involved in. She apologized multiple times to me and hasn't had a drink since which is a nice turn around. The problem still is that she seems to think it's really cool or funny. She still mentions it regularly and always tells the story with a smile on her face. That is not cool. Tonight was my first night of sober fun since I've gotten to school. Every weekend that I've been sober (many) I haven't really had fun and even on the weekends that I'm drunk (2 or 3) I don't really have much fun. This is not the place for me. This is not where I want to be and this is not where I think I will achieve or experience anything great. One more semester and I am free. But then the question is where to go. I'm leaning towards U of L mainly because it's still down here in Louisville which is a nice distance from home and I have at least a few friends there. It's also a bigger school so maybe I won't see the same people with the same drama who have had the same friends their whole lives and all went to the same Louisville private schools. This is really the most unhappy I've ever been at a place. Some days are better than others obviously but none of them are really great or particularly good. Not to mention that I hate my roommate. I don't think that I hate her as a person but I know for a fact that I hate her as a roommate. She has no regard for others, she's selfish, messy, lazy and rude. I sit in my room with my "study music" on low and do homework during the late afternoon/evening hours when I get out of class. She comes in after work, turns on the tv despite my music, turns the volume up quite loud, props the door open and talks on the phone. That is just a blantant disregard for me. She decorated for Halloween which I really don't care for but told her as long as she didn't put up the spider web crap I'd be cool. She decorated the first day without it and sometime during the next day she put it up anyhow. Then she said she was not going to decorate for Christmas so I was very excited and said that I would. I made very classy decorations in white, gold and silver and did our bulletin board. And I put a short string of lights just over my bed. 2 days later she says that it inspired her and put up ridiculous bows, garland, lights and ornaments. So now our room is tacky and entirely too busy to be enjoyable. At least for me to enjoy it. Before Thanksgiving break we were required to clean our rooms (vacuum, empty trash, make beds etc.) She leaves a day early and does not clean one single thing before she goes. So when I get back to the room, I empty the trash (which only I have done this entire time we've lived here) vacuum the ENTIRE room including her side, stack her various papers and shit that she had lying around everywhere and threw her shoes out the window. That last part was a joke. I did not throw her shoes out the window but I was tempted to because they're ALWAYS on my side of the room. Not to mention that weekends are terrible because not only is there nothing to do but she sleeps until well after 2 p.m. For a while I would turn on the light and the tv and do whatever I felt like doing because NOTHING wakes this girl up. Well one morning when she decided she didn't like me, she goes to my friend (never to me) and says that I woke her up with the tv and light and that I was such a bitch and so rude and yada yada. This came as a surprise to me because I had been doing the same routine every weekend for well over a month and that since I wake up around 9 and turn on the light, if it really woke her up she wouldn't have been in bed until 3:45 in the afternoon. This whole college thing is just a really frustrating situation. I've never really gotten along too well with girls anyway and now I'm surrounded by them. The guys that are here are either really intellectual and socially challenged, really horny and assholes, or think that every girl who talks to them is interested. I don't talk to guys so that I can hook up with them. In fact I almost never talk to guys I'm interested in because I'm too self conscious and shy. I don't know why every guy here thinks they're God's gift. They may be to someone but definitely not to me. I guess that my real frustration is how tremendously wrong I was in choosing school and how tremendously wrong I've been about a lot of things. This is clearly not the place where I want to be. But now I'm even debating my major. I know that what I really want to do is international communications of some kind. But I'm concerned about the international part. I'm just no good at French. Maybe I shouldn't have moved up to 201 but I did so I need to figure out how to handle it. But now the semester's practically over and as far as I'm concerned I've still made no progress. But I'm not good at anything else either. And I'm especially not good enough at anything to make a career out of it. I can sleep and decorate a bulletin board. I can eat a lot, pull off sweatpants and pjs in class pretty well, wake up early when necessary, iron, and cook simple basic foods. I'm great at random everyday activities that few people are truly awful at. So how am I supposed to choose a career. I know almost exactly what I want to do. Or at least I know exactly what field(s) I want to go to and I know what degree I want to pursue and even what Grad school I dream of attending but what if I can't do it? What if I'm no good at it? What else can I do?
I apologize for the entry that probably takes up half of your friends page. Just thought I'd give a little update. The Bengals beat the Ravens last night in case you missed it. And I WILL be attending the Bengals/Raiders game on the 10th. Just throwing it out there. You can pick it up if you want to. Well since it's now nearly 3 a.m. I'm going to try to get some sleep since I will inevitably be up by 9 tomorrow morning to actually have something to show for the day. Comments would be fantastic. None wouldn't be tragic. So no obligations here. Night night and I hope everyone has a better tomorrow!
12:44 am: I don't even like jelly
So I felt it was about time for an update. Not that I have a whole lot to say. College life is getting better. I pretty much sucked at life for the first month or so that I was here but it's definitely getting a lot better now. I still have bad days every now and then though. I'm hoping that it'll just be something I can get through and get over. It's really more of an issue of my self esteem than a problem of academics. But isn't it always? Boo. I suck a lot sometimes. But I'm learning that I'm pretty pimpin too. Which is sweeter than sweet. I'm not so into talking about my feelings through the internet anymore so I'm guessing this is it. Hope everyone's doing great and all's well!
01:11 am: A Story
So as of right now it's been raining for like 24 hours straight in Louisville...or something. Wasn't too big of a deal until it started POURING a few hours ago. Now the lobby of my residence hall is flooding and one of our other halls is flooded to about waist level. Why is this happening? I'll tell you. Bellarmine is retarted and built on tons of HILLS and at the very bottom of all the hill are the residence halls. PLUS we are doing lots of construction which means no trees or anything to hold back the water or the tremendous mud slides we're having. And the finale is that my car is probably quite flooded too. Perfect.
09:17 am:
Imagine there is a bank that creits your account with $86,400 every day. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
02:14 pm: The End of an Era
My surgery went very well. Or so the doctor told my mom and sister. My foot hurts a lot but I'm taking some pain medicine. I sleep a lot but I love getting visitors anyhow. So far, Lynette's come over twice, and Trey, Lindsay and Jon Paul have been over once. It's fun spending time with my friends. Especially since most of them are leaving for school Wednesday. A lot is changing but I have no choice but to deal with it. Hooray for summer. And hooray for the fall.
09:14 pm:
So tomorrow morning I go under the knife. Boo. I just had a great dinner of tortellini at Karlo's. I'm pretty much gonna be MIA for a while but feel free to stop by and bring me cookies and ice cream and flowers and goodness. Or at the very least leave me some love on here or facebook to come back to when I'm feeling up to getting on the computer. Which will probably be saturday b/c I can't really do anything else. So yeah. Send some love. Or some something. I'll appreciate it.
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Hopeful yet nostalgic...
